Glitz, Glitz and Pre-Approved One-Liners: World Cup Event Goes to Washington.

The listings for the prestigious venue in Washington shows a playful dual-language production and an improvised theatrical company. Curiously missing from the advertised events is the upcoming Geopolitics World Cup draw, likely because it is a exclusively invitation-only affair. Planners appear determined to avoid any uninvited attendees from gaining entry at what promises to be an drawn-out, self-congratulatory ceremony where well-paid luminaries will undoubtedly parrot the old platitude that "football brings together the world."

An A-List Crew

The lavish ceremony is set to be hosted by television personality Heidi Klum together with small-statured US comedian and actor Kevin Hart. Joining the celebrity roster will be American football star Eli Manning on red-carpet details and actor Danny Ramirez as a roaming reporter. Collectively, they will host a ceremony that will certainly have English football fans of a certain age longing for the halcyon, unpretentious days of former managers, Sir Bert Millichip, the FA tombola and a trusty velvet bag of simple, numbered balls.

Set to last nearly three grueling hours, the event will feature a seemingly endless playlist of speechifying, overly sentimental video montages, approved gags, celebrity guests, musical turns from artists with either little shame or enormous tax bills, and then... finally, the actual World Cup draw.

Icons of Sport on Ceremony Duty

Included in those tasked with carrying out the ceremony? NBA giant Shaquille O'Neal, ice hockey icon Wayne Gretzky, NFL star Tom Brady and MLB star Aaron Judge, all plucking numbered spheres under the watchful eye of former defender Rio Ferdinand. Considering the considerable, deep well of personality possessed by these veteran sporting legends, barring an uniformed snatch-squad storming the event, it's hard to imagine what could potentially go wrong.

In reality, very little, if the tone-deaf justification of FIFA's widely reported World Cup exorbitant ticket pricing offered by an overly deferential English yes-man is any sort of indicator. Upon being questioned if tickets should be more affordable for non-millionaires, the response was non-committal. "In my view we have to be aware of that and I think FIFA are certainly an organization that are conscious of that," was the comment. "However, I think we can look at every sector, every area, we could have that discussion about things," it was noted. The implication appeared that premium costs are acceptable when contrasted with other luxury goods.

The Main Event

With 42 nations already secured a place for next summer's tournament and another six set to qualify, there will be a real feeling of excitement once the opening acts conclude and the actual draw gets under way. While fans across the globe wait with bated breath to see which three nations their own country will face in the initial phase, the suspense will be nothing compared to that which precedes the reveal of the winner of FIFA's inaugural award for peace for "people who help bring together people in peace through unwavering commitment and notable deeds." Considering the draw is in the US capital and the tournament is mostly in the United States, speculation about the recipient are ripe, though the hints are apparent.

"There's no concern at the moment. I was in contact with the chairman today. My connection with him is very strong really. I have a truly transparent and frank relationship. So regarding my job in that sense I have absolutely no concerns whatsoever" – comments from a manager whose side on a five-match losing streak, providing a textbook quote-that-will-definitely-get-resurfaced should a dismissal occur in the future.

Readers' Letters

• "Further to the discussion of a potential club named Kevin... there is an talented Brazilian winger named Kevin at Fulham who cost more than £30m. Perhaps Kevin could be persuaded to purchase a lower league club and bestow his name on it."
• "Going to local games in the past, when the answer was 'Keith', a common jest was: 'What, on his own?'"
• "My reading ceased after nine words. 'Comprised of'! Of what were you thinking? To comprise means to consist of. So to comprise of means to consist of of. The extra 'of' is as unnecessary as an extra official."
• "There is apprehension ahead of FIFA's World Cup draw: just what memorable tune will a famous group come up with if a certain individual refuses to leave the stage, requiring an additional song?"